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(Almost) Free lightbulbs
Pagano's Hardware has a display of free compact florescent light bulbs. Limit 3 per person and you pay the tax, but that was all of 59 cents. Not a bad deal.

Current Mood: contemplative

This is not the post I started out writing.

http://ballastexistenz.autistics.org/?p=584

The next disability blog carnival’s topic is intersectionality. Intersectionality is one of those words that does not slide completely off my brain, the way ‘monotropism’ does, but slides partially off my brain and is not a word I would ever use except in paragraphs like this one.

It is a word normally used by people within a very particular way of looking at oppression. And among people who may not be exactly within that category, but who take the word from those who are. I don’t even know the word for that category, although I can usually recognize it by the sorts of words it uses. As long as it is not too abstract, I greatly appreciate reading from things in this category. But I am not myself someone who can work within it (may have something to do with this post, which is in no way an insult to those who can work within it). Intersectionality refers to the way that being oppressed in more than one way at a time (such as being disabled and black and female) combines to make an experience more than just the sum of its parts.

I have spent all of the time since the blog carnival was announced, trying to write on this topic. The results in no way compared to some
of the brilliant writing I have read from others. In fact, all they compared to were past efforts to write homework assignments I barely
understood by plugging in words to a formula and straining my brain to the point of pain (rhyme not intended) trying to come up with more words to fill in the blanks.

I started out by listing the current categories I fall under when it comes to being subject to various forms of oppression: female, disabled, lesbian, mixed-class/poor, nongendered, and fat. Then I added a few notes under some of them.

1. (Disabled.) Specifically, I’m physically disabled, cognitively disabled, psych survivor/ex-patient/mad/etc. take your pick, and have chronic illness and chronic pain. All of which are sometimes lumped together and sometimes play out very differently from each other. And while these categories stem from the medical model, they also often reflect ways that even the political aspects of the disability communities have divided themselves, and thus become relevant as more than just medical categories.

2. (Mixed-class/poor.) Born middle-class, been poor by my country’s standards since adulthood. Because this has to do with disability, I am not the sort of fashionably downwardly mobile person I often read about who can always go back to the middle class or even the working class but chooses not to because it clashes with their values or wishes. I know enough from having talked to people who grew up poor and working-class that I’m quite aware I have plenty of middle-class privilege that can’t evaporate no matter what happens. My self-description as poor is not an attempt to erase that, but rather an attempt to convey the reality that I am subject to major classist oppression that will last the rest of my life no matter what choices I make. Permanent, involuntary downward mobility exists in the world, even if I’ve virtually never heard it discussed when people talk about classism. Which itself probably has something to do with the fact that disabled people are invisible, and that most discussions of classism seem to revolve around the struggles of the working class. And the fact that people expect class to be simpler than it is, either you are or you aren’t a particular class, when things are more complicated than that.

3. (Nongendered.) Neither cisgendered nor transgendered. Gender is a concept that, while I understand intellectually that it is greatly important for other people, is entirely absent and incomprehensible to me. I imagine that it must be some collection of aspects of a person’s identity that all cluster together in most people’s minds, whereas I’ve spent my life oblivious to how they are connected or why I would want to connect them, and innocently trampling all over people’s ideas of what it means to be masculine, feminine, or even any particular point in the middle. For more information, read Urocyon’s Gender, Sexuality, Identity, and Binaries or, if you can get it, the article “Growing Up Genderless” by Jane Meyerding in the anthology Women from Another Planet?

Then, I set about writing about how those things mixed around make life much more complicated. Most of the things I could come up with were the obvious: my status as what a friend called a “perpetual outsider” in single-issue, single-identity communities. Even in the autistic community, where I have found (unasked for and unlooked for) status, I have found no belonging. How could I, in a community where it’s impossible to go anywhere without hearing some other aspect of my life (even some to do with autism itself, since I am far from the right kind of autie) degraded, denied, and disparaged? Even the “status” has been given to a distortion of my life, not to who I am. And the same is true of the LGBT community, disability community, feminism, and all the others. I have only to walk into an LGBT community center to find a gay man who is inspired by my presence to tell me how he used to work in an institution where there were people who looked like me, where he would stand over the cribs of some of the inmates and ask (insert pained voice) “Why are you alive?” And who wants my sympathy for the agony he feels at the existence of disabled people. Seriously. This happened.

(For more on that kind of topic, see The Difference Slot, by elmindreda, who eventually left the autistic community over such experiences.)

The original thing I wrote was full of stories like that despite them just being the tip of the iceberg on this subject matter. And I grew
more and more frustrated as I fit my writing into a formula that did not at all convey my thoughts. Then I decided I would rather write
nothing at all than write what I didn’t mean. So here is what I do mean:

I can’t write a lot about intersectionality as a topic because I don’t ever not write about intersectionality as a topic. Every single piece of my life that I describe, is the life of someone who falls under multiple categories. I write about these things by becoming very specific and writing about things I do and experience. I write as one single instance of life and expect people to fill in the broader context on their own. And from that broader context, they can use it to think about situations that at first glance are nothing like mine.

The way I experience these things has no equivalent in words, that I know of. It is like being acted upon by a large number of separate gravitational forces that push and pull in a physical-seeming way. It’s possible to name specific forms of oppression that are recognizable to everyone, but the way I experience these things isn’t as simple as listing off sexism, ableism, etc. As with most of life, I experience a much higher degree of detail in these gravitational forces that push and pull on me, than there is in the words. So why divide them in the exact way that they are normally divided? Why say that there are six things, when you could say twenty, and why say twenty when you could say a hundred? These are just shorthand for the more complex forces at work in the societies we live in, and it is important not to forget that in these often hyper-abstract discussions. I understand very much why a common language is important, but sometimes it obscures as much as it communicates.

So I will continue to move through the world (and the bits of the world that are around me will affect me, and I will affect them) and write (when I can) about specific aspects of my life, all of which have something to do with this thing they call intersectionality, whether that’s the topic of the day or not. Because I don’t stop being all these different sorts of person, when I stop specifically naming them.

Introduction & reply to http://ellyinflames.livejournal.com/ and others
I'm 51 years old, and my wife "unofficially" diagnosed me as having asperger's.

While I've always had poor people skills and people have always thought me to be a bit 'odd', I've had a successful career as a software engineer, a husband and father. I've had to make it through life without a support group or special treatment, and I have picked up some scars.

But I have learned several ways to cope with my 'handicap' and can still function quite well in society.

When I was younger I hoped that my wife would always be my only companion and suffice to meet all of my social needs. But we don't share many of the same interests, and she found this attitude too smothering. She has encouraged me to make some other friends. I do have some friends now who like to go to concerts with me, etc.

But now we're moving to a new city so I can take a new job after being laid off for six months, and it is scary for me.

Since my 'diagnosis' I find it can be a convenient excuse to say that "it's just my asperger's" when I'm rude or my personality rubs someone the wrong way. But I'm not sure that I'm justified in excusing myself. And I don't want to be labeled as handicapped, because with that also comes a pile of prejudice. I think that I'd rather be considered rude/thoughtless/clueless than to be called handicapped/disabled.

My answer to http://ellyinflames.livejournal.com/ is that it's best to take responsibility, and to learn new ways to cope with society--even it it comes harder for us. We all have our unique strengths and weaknesses, and we need to develop those strengths and find ways to compensate for the weaknesses.

Hi! I'm new here, my name is Elly and I'm 21, and I was diagnosed with aspergers just a few days ago (apparently my parents suspected I might be somewhat autistic for all my life but never told me).
I have to say, I'm having a hard time adjusting to all of this, and I'd love some input on how other people managed to integrate this into their lives.
I'll just pose one question for today, I have no idea about when and where it's appropriate to explain to someone that I have aspergers. I had the experience the other day of getting into a discussion that I thought was a brilliant debate about music, and I completely failed to realise the other person was not enjoying the discussion and was taking offense. It wasn't until over an hour through that I realised that might have been the case, and I said "Oh by the way I mean no offense by any of this at all I just love discussing things I like", and he responded with quite a few insults to my intelligence, that I realised what was happening.
Now, of course, the friendship is wobbly, and I did try to apologise, but in this kind of situation what do you guys do? Do you explain "I'm sorry I have aspergers I didn't pick up on your emotional state" or do you take full responsibility? I've always been a person who takes responsibility for her actions (and who is also extremely private), pinning it on something uncontrollable seems like a cop out, but at the same time I don't want this friend (who is a very new friend) thinking I'm a complete jerk and not talking to me again which is what has happened so many times in my life before.
Any insight appreciated! ^_^

Flabulous! Saturday November 21st at SOMArts, 7&9pm
Kentucky Fried Woman & Jay Walker, In conjunction with NOLOSE and the Queer Cultural Center present:
Flabulous! - An Evening of Performance By and For People of Size & Their Allies
Two Shows: Saturday, November 21st 7pm & 9pm
SOMArts
934 Brannan St, San Francisco
Tickets: $15/20 premium
Advance tickets available at http://tiny.cc/Flabulous and will be sold at the door on a first come first serve basis

( More show information here )

are you keeping track of movies you watched?
It's not about a local event, although questions feels to me relevant to the most advanced and computer literate audience in the world — people living in the Bay Area:
Do you keep track of the movies you watched (I mean besides the netflix queue which you could request to be sent to your email), going to watch or own copies in dvd/files/whatever else format? Did you ever find yourself in the situation that the movie you just started watching isn't really new for you — it's something you already saw, but forgot the title since then? I do forget the titles often.

Friends of mine created as a side project a list service to keep track of these things, and looking for real-world people's experience to figure out where to move their site next. Not showing the name of their service here (trying to avoid any advertising), but they'd really appreciate your answers to a short questionarie. Please, help if you can.

Monday Night Show Post!

Tonight's Guests

LL Cool J
Mindy Kaling
Ben Harper & Relentless 7

Question about speech
I have no idea if this is an AS thing or just, well, a thing, so I thought I'd ask you guys. Do any of you have trouble talking early in the day, or if you're tired? It seems like speech takes a huge amount of effort for the first two hours of the day or so. I don't really know how to explain it better.

Boycott Zales
If anybody is going to be buying jewelry, I thought I should let you know not to buy from Zales. Zales is giving some of their proceeds to Autism Speaks. I don't plan on buying any diamonds anytime soon, but some of you might be. I saw this on a TV commercial earlier tonight. Most people still think they are doing a good thing trying to wipe what we are off the planet. Or they don't know that is their intent. I would like to think the latter, that most people wouldn't support their actual agenda, but I know better. I would like to know what other brands support them. Also, it would be a good idea to write them (and any other companies that support Autism Speaks) and tell them why they should not support that organization.

even then they knew?
I just finished a novel written in 1948. One character is described as too shy to come out when people are in the house, as having no friends, as having strange obsessions and as having odd eating habits.
Asperger's was described in 1945 but it was hardly well known. I suspect the author must have known someone or heard of someone with the condition. I found it interesting and thought this community would too.

Current Mood: intrigued
Current Music: house

Come join our protest against Autism Speaks in New York City on Tuesday, Nov. 17th
We're doing a protest against Autism Speaks this coming Tuesday in Manhattan at their big Carnegie Hall fundraising concert in New York City. If any of you can join us, please feel free. The facebook page is at: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?invites&eid=205191180125 and the meetup page is at http://aspergers.meetup.com/309/calendar/11874656/. You can also RSVP to me personally at aneeman@autisticadvocacy.org. As usual, Autism Speaks is bringing out celebrities like Bruce Springsteen and Jerry Seinfeld to raise money in our name, without our permission. Help us send them a message: "Nothing About Us, Without Us!"

Date:	Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Time:	6:00pm - 8:00pm
Location:	154 West 57th Street near 7th Avenue

( Why We Are Protesting )

More interest in places/things than people
I haven't posted here in a long time. I was just wondering something today.

Are there other aspies who anthropomorphize places or feel greater connection/interest in them than people?

I know the stereotypical presentation of ASD is of the person who lacks interest in having friends and is obsessed with inanimate things. In my years of reading this group, I got the impression that many if not most aspies are in fact sociable and interested in having friends. I've tried to form a desire to bond with other people because I feel it's a requirement of society in order not to seem weird or possibly threatening to others. But I find that all my human needs are met by my life partner and I can't sustain enough interest in individuals that forming friendships would require. I even had to leave a support group for aspies in my university because my lack of interest in friends or ability to bond put me at odds with the others in the group and made them hostile towards me. For some time I thought this problem was caused by depression, but I think I've mostly recovered from the depression I experienced before, and I've regained the ability to feel pleasure. I feel profound longing when I think about my cherished places.

To me, I feel such personification in the foothills, trees, sidewalks, buildings, buses, etc. Even though humans created some of these things, they seem to take on a life independent of their creators and harbor a hidden personality that most humans can't sense. I feel a desire for oneness with them, sort of like how religious people feel with their gods. Human beings mostly seem shallow and unreliable when compared to physical things. I know that most people can't or won't appreciate such things in the same way, and that I'm not allowed to talk about thm in public because I might be seen as creepy or crazy. Even among aspies I think I am a minority, so I wondered what others thought of this.

Grass-fed local beef in/near Berkeley?
Hi all,

I was hoping you could provide me with markets/vendors in Berkeley that have sustainable grass-fed beef. I live in the gourmet ghetto, but within walking distance to Monterey Market. I don't eat much meat, which means that I don't mind paying to keep that little bit of steak that I do eat sustainable. If the market also has real (ala Polyface in Omnivore's Dilemma) free range chicken as well, that would be fantastic.

Thanks a lot!

I posted not long ago, asking how to go about getting a diagnosis, and got lots of useful and interesting advice (thanks, everybody!) and have decided to hold off on it. Money is, of course, an issue, as I've heard it's expensive. I do have insurance but don't know that I want to try to use it because, yikes, that sounds like a minefield. So I'm going to do a lot of reading and soul-searching and see what I can figure out.

Friday Night Show Post!

Tonight's Guests

Harry Connick Jr.
Peter Sagal

Morning all. Just a short ramble to vent some frustration / anxiety. (Sorry if things come out like jibberish; fat fingers and iPods don't mix.)

I just started a new job, last night actually. Well, it was supposed to be yesterday . . . And I'm doing yesterday's work today. Already I'm full of self doubt. My roommate got me this job, and the last one, and the one prior to that. I've been fired two or three times primarily due to "a lack of focus" - I get stuck worrying about mistakes when I should be in the moment, or don't remember details because I'm concentrating on what I'm doing. (I also get uppity about "contributing to social decay" but that's another bag of chips.)

I've been with job placement agencies and done psychotherapy, but when I explain that I fail partially in part because of a low tolerance for stress, they give me expensive pills and tell me to come back when I can act like an adult. I have my mother's voice in my head calling me lazy, and it makes me severely depressed. She used to say that if I'm not smart enough to teach myself how to do dishes, I must not be very smart at all.

Yeah.

Well, I should actually try and do my job for once. I invite conversation on the topic of work preparedness, organisatinal habits, or the craptacularness of the iTouch keyboard in portrait mode. (Can't afford the 3.x update . . . for the last six months. >_<)

Current Mood: stressed

helicopter around park and otis
I woke up at 6:30 ish, went outside for a smoke and saw a helicopter hover right above Park and San Jose for a good few minutes, it moved over to just south of San Jose (more towards Otis) and more west and actually dipped lower and hovered (seriously I thought it was trying to land on top of a roof)

a friend twittered about a half hour later with the same thing... woke up at 6:30 to sound of helicopter...

so what is up?

Ay, carambola!
Has anyone (recently) seen starfruit (aka carambolas) on the Island. Years ago (maybe a decade ago), Paul's Produce (now Dan's) used to carry them regularly, and I've seen them at Raley's, but not in quite a while. Anyone seen 'em lately?

Dammit
I've struggled for weeks with a Perl script to select words from a file based on what part of speech they are. It wasn't working.

And now, I just figured out it's because the person who made the original file GOT A MAC. An old Mac, with those bastard bare control-Ms and no line feeds. Changing the record separator magically fixed everything.

NaNoSomeOtherTimeWhoops...
Aw, man. Yesterday I realized that it's November (yeah. hi.), and I completely forgot that I'd been planning to do NaNoWriMo for the entire preceding ten months. I hate when I do that.

Technical Difficulties?
In my area (Toronto, Ontario) CBS had a technical difficulties notice up when TLLS was supposed to on. Did this happen to anyone else? Anyone know what happened?

Current Mood: curious